God, I woke up with a heavy heart. I’ve been up since 3am. Things have been heavy lately….in the world, in my life, in general.

I woke up with one thought: “why can’t I ever get any sleep?” LOL.

Let me be clear…I have a beautiful life – a husband who is successful, driven, an amazing dad, loves me on my very worst day and (cherry on the top) is very nice to look at ;). I have a step-son who, despite the fact I have to beg for passing grades and a clean room, still loves me and treats me well. And I have Lila June, and if you haven’t met Lila yet – well you don’t know – but she is incredible. The most beautiful soul. She’s going to change the world, I’m certain.

And my parents who, despite the fact that I am 34 years old, still show up for me in every single way possible. Plus, this is going to sound like bragging….but I love my in-laws, I know…its an “urban myth” but it’s the truth, they’re great!

So, what do I have to feel heavy about? What could possibly be wrong?

Life. It’s so complex, isn’t it? The entirety of it – the years that have been lived and the years you have yet to live – if you live with anxiety (& a sprinkle of depression) like me, then you know its a constant merry go round of happiness, contentment, regret and being certain something is definitely wrong that you don’t know about yet. Persistent dread.

This last year….wow. We’ve all been through it – the state of the world and all. The addition of fighting basically everyone to get Lila’s Autism diagnosis established. Processing that. Adjusting to a new life with an autistic toddler. Multiple health issues (don’t get me started). Figuring out how to raise a teenager….oy, and trying to be a good wife, a good mom and also p.s. trying to find a new career!

I guess the major thing on my mind today is…friends. Travis is my best friend – but sometimes, I get the feeling he could use a break. 🙂 And I wish I had that “tribe”, that group message full of friends to vent to when needed. And, honestly, it’s alarming how many friends I’ve lost in this life. I find myself constantly asking Travis, “what is wrong with me, it has to be me?” Eventually you have to start asking yourself, is it me?

What woke me up at 3am this morning was the realization that I haven’t done shit to lose a friend…aside from live life, stumble…make mistakes…cry a lot…find true love & stand up for what I believe in. It is unfortunate that the people I grew up with and the people I found in my adult life (aside from a few – you guys know who you are) couldn’t stick with me at my most imperfect moments because I know FOR CERTAIN I loved & supported them at their worst.

It haunts me, bugs me more than it should – makes me question who I am as a person despite the fact that deep down I recognize I’m inherently good.

I suppose all of this is my rant – maybe this space needs to become a journal of life and hopefully something I post will resonate with someone…somewhere. All I know is that I miss writing. And writing is my therapy.

To wrap it up, things are tough right now, they won’t be forever. Hopefully, this post pops up as a memory a year or two in the future while I’m surrounded by a group of friends who love me unconditionally. In the meantime, my husband and family do a pretty good job of picking up the slack.

xo, Hayley