I’ve spent my entire life doing exactly what I am supposed to. Always what was expected of me.

My life was perfectly molded around the people I loved. My days began and ended with this thought: “what can I do today to make everyone around me as happy as possible?”

I’m hoping that most of you can see how unhealthy that sort of behavior is…I hope you can identify what was missing.

I never once asked myself:
“what can I do today to make sure I am as happy as possible?”

The day I started asking myself that question. Well, everything changed.

If you asked me exactly a year ago what my life would be like on this day – I would have been full of ideas and wishes and dreams. But, I can say with certainty, not one word of what that girl would have told you would have any relevance to what is actually happening, now, a year later.

For better or for worse I have changed more in the past year than in the previous 26 years combined.

Transition and growth and risk.

That has been my life as I know it.

And now – 1,000 miles away from a year ago I find myself feeling simultaneously full and broken. Scared and confident. Excited and hesitant. Loved and abandoned.

Found and yet, so completely lost. 

“It sounds like you’re finally living.” That was her response when I poured this all at her feet. “It sounds like you are finally taking charge of your life. This is healthy.”

It doesn’t feel healthy. Sitting here – hair wet and face clean – legs crossed for so long at this point I don’t think I can feel my feet. I sat down at this keyboard, hoping, that I could find solace in the one thing that has always been able to comfort me. Words. Black and white and tangible on a bright white screen. But, still, comfort and familiarity evade me.

I think that’s the point. I think that’s what she meant when she called this living.

I guess the reason for this post…the reason I felt compelled to put these thoughts into writing…is because maybe you’re scared too. Maybe you’re looking for the sort of bravery to really be in charge of your life. And maybe you’ll read this and you’ll believe in it – in living for yourself and for your dreams and for your wishes.