The last few years of my life have been spent clumsily reaching for perfection. The perfect relationship, the perfect house, perfect date nights, perfect look, nails & body, the perfect job, friendships, parents, blog posts, status updates….I could go on for hours. I’m not sure at what point I settled on expectations that were impossible to meet but those expectations have been trying their very best to drown me. Unfortunately, an engagement popped up right in the middle of my quarter life quest for perfection and only made unhealthy behavior that much more unhealthy.
The minute Andrew slid this ring on my finger I have been warily aware of the monster coming alive inside of me. I am going to be absolutely honest here, at my own expense…I’m picky, sensitive, controlling and equal amounts of vain and insecure. I care entirely too much about what people think and I place too much value on material things. Can you picture it yet? A young lady with all of these qualities trying to put together her wedding day? It’s not pretty. Unfortunately, the bridezilla within is becoming a bit more difficult to keep tame as I get closer to the wedding date. The stress is building and I am trading in my cool composure for wild eyed, messy haired ranting; ranting, which, Andrew has been on the receiving end of one too many times as of late. It’s exhausting being this big of a bitch, I really don’t know how some of you women do it on the regular, because, honestly, I need a nap!
I was driving home from a very long day at work with a vortex of thoughts, to-do’s and anxieties swirling around in my head when I was halted by the realization that….this isn’t fun anymore. None of it is.
I literally got home, bawled for an hour and with teary eyes and mascara stained cheeks decided that I couldn’t afford to waste one more second trying to achieve the unachievable.
And so, 53 days away from my wedding date I have decided to begin my quest to…end my quest for perfection. 🙂
Of course that leaves room for so much……non-perfection in my life and in my wedding, but I’m bracing myself for it. The absolute truth is…that my life is as amazing as any one person would hope their life could be, and if I loosened the reigns a little or even handed them over completely every once in a while I think I could actually manage to relax…and enjoy it!!
So, Andrew William Grade, mom, wedding party….and any others who have fallen victim to my perfection fits, bridezilla breakdowns and all around flaws in my character…I want you all to know I’m working on it….or not working on it? Well, you get the idea!
Wish me luck. I’m gonna need it.