In 2007 some guy that I was infatuated with didn’t want me. I was certain that would be the worst heart break I ever experienced. Today, it took me a full 5 minutes to remember his name. The reason? That wasn’t actual heartbreak.

True heartbreak – that is watching your child suffer. It is being awake at 2:30am because all she wants to do is sleep on her side or, better yet, her stomach but she can’t roll over and all you can do is rub her head and let her know that mommy is right there with her.

My Lila June, 3-years-old, had hip dysplasia surgery almost 3 weeks ago. Her hip has been dislocated since birth and it had gone unnoticed by her pediatrician despite an immense amount of well-checks. That’s a rant for a different day.

Unfortunately, a surgery of this extent requires a “spica cast” for 12 weeks during recovery, with a re-cast at 6 weeks. During this time we get to hope and pray that the surgery “works” – that the hip surgically put in place decides to stay there. Her entire left leg is casted, it comes across her waist and half way down her right leg (there is an opening for diapering – also a rant for another day) and she has a bar between her legs for extra support. Every time I look at it and imagine myself in the same situation I want to scream.

Cherry on the top, Lila is Autistic. She has limited verbal skills and she struggles to understand communication – she was also the most active little girl I have ever seen. She never stopped moving and now she’s stuck in bed. It makes me physically ill to consider all of the times I was irritated with her constant movement, and now I would kill to chase after her in a busy grocery store.

The time in the hospital was traumatic. After a 5 hour surgery she lost so much blood she needed a transfusion. As much as I appreciate the fact that people donate and we had access to blood….there was something unsettling about watching someone else’s blood drip into her little body. She screamed for daddy the entire time we were there, the drugs did a number on her, we had to watch Frozen and Frozen II about 100 times ;). We watched other families and other kids go home as we settled in for another night. The smell there, the feeling as I shuffled to the vending area to refill our waters each night, the sound of the machines every time her heart rate dropped or her morphine drip was finished, the fucking masks…nightmare. The nurses and the doctors did everything they could but they simply said “she had a major surgery, deal with it” lol?

Home has been better, but not without its challenges. She has adjusted to life in bed but unfortunately that is where she wants to stay. She doesn’t like to be upright at the “spica table” or the bean bag chair or any of the things we bought in anticipation of this surgery….so, she just lays there.

I guess what I am trying to say, “heartbreak” is relative. It is amazing how something can feel so life altering until you experience what life altering actually feels like. God forbid I will be writing a post with a new “life altering” experience any time in the future.

For those with kids with a chronic illness, who spend half of their life in the hospital, I say prayers every night. You are living the true meaning of heartbreak and I will keep praying you get a happy ending.

Thanks for listening.

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God, I woke up with a heavy heart. I’ve been up since 3am. Things have been heavy lately….in the world, in my life, in general.

I woke up with one thought: “why can’t I ever get any sleep?” LOL.

Let me be clear…I have a beautiful life – a husband who is successful, driven, an amazing dad, loves me on my very worst day and (cherry on the top) is very nice to look at ;). I have a step-son who, despite the fact I have to beg for passing grades and a clean room, still loves me and treats me well. And I have Lila June, and if you haven’t met Lila yet – well you don’t know – but she is incredible. The most beautiful soul. She’s going to change the world, I’m certain.

And my parents who, despite the fact that I am 34 years old, still show up for me in every single way possible. Plus, this is going to sound like bragging….but I love my in-laws, I know…its an “urban myth” but it’s the truth, they’re great!

So, what do I have to feel heavy about? What could possibly be wrong?

Life. It’s so complex, isn’t it? The entirety of it – the years that have been lived and the years you have yet to live – if you live with anxiety (& a sprinkle of depression) like me, then you know its a constant merry go round of happiness, contentment, regret and being certain something is definitely wrong that you don’t know about yet. Persistent dread.

This last year….wow. We’ve all been through it – the state of the world and all. The addition of fighting basically everyone to get Lila’s Autism diagnosis established. Processing that. Adjusting to a new life with an autistic toddler. Multiple health issues (don’t get me started). Figuring out how to raise a teenager….oy, and trying to be a good wife, a good mom and also p.s. trying to find a new career!

I guess the major thing on my mind today is…friends. Travis is my best friend – but sometimes, I get the feeling he could use a break. 🙂 And I wish I had that “tribe”, that group message full of friends to vent to when needed. And, honestly, it’s alarming how many friends I’ve lost in this life. I find myself constantly asking Travis, “what is wrong with me, it has to be me?” Eventually you have to start asking yourself, is it me?

What woke me up at 3am this morning was the realization that I haven’t done shit to lose a friend…aside from live life, stumble…make mistakes…cry a lot…find true love & stand up for what I believe in. It is unfortunate that the people I grew up with and the people I found in my adult life (aside from a few – you guys know who you are) couldn’t stick with me at my most imperfect moments because I know FOR CERTAIN I loved & supported them at their worst.

It haunts me, bugs me more than it should – makes me question who I am as a person despite the fact that deep down I recognize I’m inherently good.

I suppose all of this is my rant – maybe this space needs to become a journal of life and hopefully something I post will resonate with someone…somewhere. All I know is that I miss writing. And writing is my therapy.

To wrap it up, things are tough right now, they won’t be forever. Hopefully, this post pops up as a memory a year or two in the future while I’m surrounded by a group of friends who love me unconditionally. In the meantime, my husband and family do a pretty good job of picking up the slack.

xo, Hayley

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I just woke up from the most vivid dream. Essentially, an abridged timeline of the last 10 years of my life; but it wasn’t happening to me….instead, I was watching it happen to me. Not only watching it, but feeling it all again. Now that is already a lot – but not the reason I’m awake at 3am in front of a blog I barely post to.

This dream, I wasn’t just feeling the emotions surrounding the events that have happened in the last 10 years, the good and the bad, I was feeling the emotions of all of the humans that played a role in that portion of my life. Obviously, those could never be they’re real emotions – but the dream left me shaken. I woke up short of breath, my chest tight. Honestly, that’s a lot to cover in 2.5 hours.

It was like that song, you know the one I’m talking about, it can take you back the exact moment you first heard it or the period of your life when you relentlessly played it over and over again. But in this case, it was a very long song…one that kept swinging from happy to sad, euphoric to miserable…you get the idea. Rollercoaster.

The thing is, I’ve carried a lot of heartache….I’ve caused a lot too. I’m very familiar with the things that have broken my heart, some of them still do. But the amount of heartache, that this dream convinced me I caused…it’s catastrophic and honestly, despite the beautiful life I’m living…it breaks my heart all over again.

This probably seems random. Uninteresting. The truth is, I used to write about this period of time…a lot. I was actually working on a novel based off of it but I abandoned it for various reasons a couple of years ago…but, maybe it’s time I dive back in? Stay tuned.

-Hayley

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A note on anxiety right now…

 It’s heavier, it’s scarier & it’s harder. To be honest, I was not sure that my anxiety could ever feel as deep and dark as it did postpartum but here I am again facing a deeper & darker version.

 I’m terrified for my little family…especially my baby girl. I’m worried about my brother, parents, grandparents, aunts & uncles – many who are immunosuppressed, elderly or have any number of underlying health issues. I’m fearful for my friends – those in small business, those who are pregnant or new moms, those who are suffering in any way because of this. 

Here is the thing about anxiety & I…I have always tried to outrun it. Exercise it away, eat it away, drink it away, plan it away, shop it away. I’ve spent the last week hardly able to sit down because when I stopped there it was, staring me in the face.

During my Peloton ride this morning with Emma Lovewell – she said -as we began a difficult push…resistance & speed combined for an all out effort- you’re going to feel uncomfortable and you are going to want to try to change that by quitting or stopping but what if you just sat in your discomfort for a little while?

So, this morning I sat with my favorite coloring book, a journal & some inspirational books and settled in with this enormous discomfort. At first, I just cried…a lot. And then I wrote down every single thing that I have been worrying about. And then as I stared at the list I circled the things I can control. 

Keeping Lila safe.

Checking in on my family and helping any way I can.

Supporting my friends’ small businesses, blogs & well being. 

Moving my body, drinking my water and eating the healthy stuff before I splurge on the junk. 😉

It’s pretty simple when I break it down like that. While my anxiety isn’t gone for this very moment its seems manageable. To everyone out there experiencing anxiety (new or ongoing) you have my thoughts and I am always hear to chat. 

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Happy Friday! We made it, again!

I woke up feeling very pregnant and very hungover this morning. I know those two together don’t make sense…but for some reason my entire second trimester has felt like one long, horrible hangover! Pounding headaches, intermittent nausea, weakness & fatigue – so far, my vitals and baby’s vitals are good so doctor says stay hydrated & well rested…and well, deal with it. 🙂 If anyone has any suggestions…I am all ears!

After a work incident yesterday afternoon I was reminded of this funny little YouTube gem I came across years ago…and I thought I would share in case any of my followers might be having one of those days. I’ve included it below (please note: explicit language…turn down the volume if you’re at work or around your kids!)

Also, on the agenda this weekend (aside from lots & lots of chores around the house) is putting together my first “local love” post. I want to start posting these at least once a month – “local love” is basically a highlight of a local Omaha business that I absolutely love! This weekend’s is in my top 5 favorites (hint: it has to do with coffee!) So stay tuned for that post next week. And have an amazing weekend!!

xo,Hayley

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Sometimes I write letters to my daughter…one I don’t have yet, but someday expect to bring to life. It feels like a diary, a lesson, a glimpse into the life I lived before & maybe during her existence. I hope one day, when she feels like she’s a million miles away from me, dealing with experiences and heartache that I can’t begin to understand I can hand her this journal…giving her a literal piece of my heart and we’ll find common ground.

This morning, while sitting in my favorite coffee shop, drinking my favorite latte and trying to focus on work I suddenly found myself a witness to a mother calmly trying to soothe her inconsolable daughter. Bits of the conversation provided enough information for me to understand that the daughter’s heart was broken and the mother was trying to pick up the pieces.

I put down my coffee and I wrote this letter.

Dear Daughter,

I imagine you often…as a baby, as a curly haired toddler, as a grade school spelling bee champ but mostly as a young woman. I imagine you’ll have your dad’s eye lashes, long and thick and irresistible. You’ll probably have his dimples too and his charming grin. I sure hope you have his metabolism!  But, I imagine you will have my eyes…blue and clear and nothing short of a precious gift that your grandparents contributed to. 

When I picture those big blue eyes, framed with your daddy’s lashes…I dread the day I see them filled with tears. 

I wish I could tell you that life is going to be nothing but good to you. I wish I could say that your good heart, your sweet smile and your fascination with everything will be enough to spur only goodness from those around you. I wish I could tell you that you’ll have nothing but wonderful friends, attentive and gentle lovers and co-workers and bosses who will be nothing but grateful for you. I wish I could say you won’t have to hurt. 

But, you will.

You’ll hurt hard.

I feel like you must be warned…you’re going to love someone that doesn’t deserve you. 

It doesn’t matter how smart you are, how independent and strong your dad and I raise you to be or how determined you are to only let “good” people in.

Friends are going to hurt you, co-workers, bosses, peers, family and sometimes even me. 

But the biggest hurt of all will be those you love intimately. That person you love with passion, exuberance and endurance. 

You’re going to love someone who turns cold and distant and is always pushing you away. You might love someone who’s eyes wander and can never settle on yours exclusively. Sometimes the less they love you…the more awful they treat you….the more you’ll want them. 

Sweetheart, sometimes love can feel a lot like a game…like a game that you must win. And with that mindset you’ll do some ridiculous things, tactics you never felt capable of. You’ll want to be ashamed of yourself.

Don’t be.

Someday you’re going to come home, to the house in which I raised you and you’re going to throw your arms around me and bury your face in my neck. You’re going to cry, maybe even sob, and you’ll probably leave mascara stains on a new silk blouse, but I won’t care. You’re going to wonder what you’re missing, what you’re doing wrong, why you can’t make this person see how lovely you are, how much you care, how great you could be together if they would only love you like you love them. 

I know it sounds awful. 

And it is. 

I have a good reason for writing this down, for reducing myself to tears at the very thought of your pain. 

It will be worth it.

You’re going to find someone who deserves you. It might take years, several relationships, even a marriage and consequential divorce.

But you’ll find them.

They are going to be incredible. Like you.

They’ll love you like sunshine, reaching every bit of you inside and out. They’re going to laugh at your jokes and revel in your stories no matter how small. They won’t mind that you hog the bed and they will sacrifice some of the blankets so they can watch you, lovingly, all wrapped up and cozy. They’re going to memorize your favorite foods and restaurants and drinks and clothing stores and all of the things you “can’t live without”. They’re going to tell you that you’re beautiful when you get dressed up for a night out, or when you’ve just woke up, or when you’re caught right in the middle of a horrible flu bug. They’ll fill up your humidifier when you’re stuffy, they’ll scrape off your car when it snows, they’ll hold your hand (and sometimes your entire body) in their lap while you watch a scary movie. They’ll only raise their voice when it is absolutely necessary and you will never sit staring at the phone wishing they would call. You’ll never feel small in their presence, you’ll never feel like an imposition. 

Your love story is going to be epic.

I can’t wait to watch you thrive in it. 

And all of those people who didn’t deserve your love…they’re going to make you appreciate the one who does. 

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